Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Week of Freedom: Monday

When I quit my job last week, I thought it would be a few weeks of just vegging before I started feeling like myself again. But so far my personality and interests are returning by leaps and bounds, and it's such a fun ride. I decided to record each day as it unfolds just to document the joy and share a little of how I live. I realize these kinds of posts can be incredibly boring, but also that some people love them (I'm one of those people - "day in the life" posts are my favorite thing on other people's blogs) so if you enjoy this sort of thing, here's day one of my doings report.

(I would have taken more pictures, but I find lugging a camera around tends to interrupt the flow of things, plus you do not want to see how I generally look while sitting around the house. It's scary.)

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Monday

I woke up around 8:45, Mama was already up. She made waffles and I ate some and watched the Golden Girls. At 9:30 Mama wanted to go get cigarettes, and I needed to go to the hardware store, so I told her if she could wait till I got dressed I'd go with her. We went and got a big bag of potting soil, a trowel and cultivator (claw thing), and some onion seeds. Then we came home and I went in my room to listen to my iPod for awhile.

Around 11 I got a snack and sat down at the computer to talk to Fez and look up how to connect a computer to the TV. I want my mom to be able to watch Hulu when we get rid of Directv, and I want my music collection available in the living room. Then Roni signed on and I asked her too, because her husband has set up something like that, and we talked about hair henna and stuff. I also asked my mom about when my family had chickens, and she told me some stories about that, including the time my grandfather got attacked by a rooster.

I was thinking about where to put art supplies so they're easy to access, and I remembered that the huge secretary desk in the living room is mainly just collecting junkmail. So I looked in there to see how much space is in the main desk compartment, and found some calligraphy pens, so I sat down to practice some calligraphy. Mama was watching Monk (her favorite show now that they took Miami Vice off) so we watched the tail end of that and then part of an episode of Jeopardy. I knew a few answers about geography and one about Mother Teresa visiting AIDS patients (natch).

Then we went and took Frieda (dachshund) outside. I had mowed yesterday, so the sidewalk needed sweeping. I did that while Frieda and one of the cats ran around and chased each other in the short grass. Then I pulled up a few weeds and decided to go ahead and start my carrot and tomato seeds. We had found some containers in the shed that my grandparents had grown things in when I was little, so I put potting soil in those and sowed the seeds and put them in the sun. By now it was starting to sprinkle, but we saw the UPS truck going down the road and decided to wait and see if they were going to bring us anything. I was hoping to get a book I ordered, but we just got my mom's blood pressure medicine. I think my book is probably coming in the regular mail, anyway.

We came in and ate hot dogs and ramen noodles for lunch, around 1:30, and I caught up on some blogs and things for awhile. I thought about going to a new park I used to pass on the way home from work but never checked out, but then I remember that it was raining (short attention span). SO I decided to take part in last summer's rainy-weather pasttime of listening to Pink Floyd while playing my DS - while curled up in bed, of course. However, I didn't get to that because I went to the bathroom and then Mama sidetracked me by asking me to go get the mail. She didn't realize it was raining but I didn't mind - I ran through the rain and mud, in my tank top and shorts, to go get the mail. It was fun. We got the light bill - I was nervous that it was going to be high again, but it was low. WAY LOW. I was so excited I flung the water-stained bill right in Mama's face when I got in. And then I took a bath and changed clothes.

I came back to the internet for a bit, and started thinking simultaneously about henna and the desk. (It's funny how much thinking I can do at once, now that work isn't eating my brain cells like so many Pac-Man dots.) I decided that I want to get both hair and tattoo henna, and that we should put the record player in the desk - it's currently in my mom's room to keep the cats off it, but it doesn't get much use there. It'd be safe in the desk. I went in the living room to tell Mama about this and to paint my nails. She was watching Monk again so I watched a little of that while I did my nails.

Spent most of the rest of the afternoon browsing the internet and chatting on MSN, then took a nap around 4. Woke up at 6, ate dinner while watching Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations. (He was in Tuscany, I think.) Mama's church had brought us over a box of food so I went to go check that out and put it away. Then I browsed the internet some more, looking at henna tattoos, and watched some shows about food. One of the shows talked about how potato chips were invented, so I decided to try and make some of my own. They turned out pretty good.

Then around 9:30 I found some online versions of Rush Hour and Tower of Hanoi (puzzle games) and played those. The rest of the evening was quiet, spent browsing the internet, chatting, and playing some online games. I went to sleep around 11, with soft music on, thinking about my early memories and how early childhood can shape a person's view of the world.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Q & A

Q: If you wanna make sure something gets read in our house, what do you do with it?


A: Put it in the bathroom.


I did it

I finally quit the job that was slowly trying to kill me. I'm not exaggerating with that, either - not only was I physically attacked by the students fairly often, but my immune system got so worn down I got sick and couldn't get well, and my depression - which had been kept at bay for a long time until now - spiralled to its worst in years. I had no self-esteem left and didn't care much whether I lived or died.

When I tried to tell some people - acquaintances, even close friends - how bad I felt, I was told "That's just part of adult life; get used to it." Not once was I ever encouraged to quit; nor has anyone seemed particularly happy that I've quit now; no one seems relieved at the idea of having the real me back. I don't know if people just didn't believe me, or if they think I'm stronger than I really am, or if they didn't care, or if it was a misguided show of support for what I was doing, or what. But I spent months feeling like I was just being selfish and that it was somehow "wrong" to quit; and even worse, that it would always be this bad anywhere I went.

I thought that when I quit I'd feel instant relief and euphoria at all the freedom ahead of me. Instead, I feel sort of disoriented, like I just woke up from a dream and haven't figured out yet that it's over and that I'm awake, here in my house. Part of me feels like the whole thing really WAS a dream, like I cannot accept that it was truly me who existed at this job. In one sense it really wasn't me, because in order to get along with anyone at work I had to stuff my real self down and create a pseudo-personality that was acceptable to others, tailor-made to their preferences. I had to be a Christian heterosexual virgin, live up to an obsessive-compulsive coworker's standards of cleanliness, dress so plainly I may as well have had a uniform, hide all my autistic traits so I wouldn't seem too much like the students and have people think I was "retarded", and never, ever suggest that I believe in letting kids have any sort of freedom or even that I don't believe in physical punishment. So in other words, I had to be someone who barely resembled me in any way. No wonder my self-esteem took such a massive blow. And since I was still too tired at the end of the day to be my real self again, I got the feeling that I was going to start becoming that person full-time if I didn't get out soon, and that frightened me.

So I think it's going to take some time to detox, for my subconscious and body and soul to realize that it's over and that coworkers aren't watching my every move and I can relax. It doesn't help that I also still have mono and I feel like my lymph nodes are trying to escape through my ear canals. But after a few weeks of rest and "dejobbing" I should be feeling a lot better.

And then it will be time for Beltainia.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Where I'm From

A mad/lib type meme from this template after reading Sandra's poem first.


I am from chess pieces in old jewelry boxes, from Little Debbie and scratched Elvis records.

I am from the white-frame house built during the Depression and hauled across the state line in the 70s; a horseless stable, a coop with no chickens, an empty kennel and a warm dog sleeping next to me indoors.

I am from the azaleas, the crepe myrtles, the creek surrounded by cyprus knees.

I am from still-life painting and nervous breakdowns, from R.A. Shackelfords and Bartletts and Holtons.

I am from free spirits grappling with their old-fashioned values, and sleeping with the radio on.

From "I have pet tigers, but they're hiding" and "when I was your age I was a girl".

I am from the tiny Baptist church that's too far away, from "Amazing Grace" and "How Great Thou Art". From "I think women should be able to preach, but the church says no" and "maybe we'll stay home this week and just watch the preachers on TV."

I'm from Miami and Georgia and Illinois, from cotton fields and Confederate soldiers, and flour sacks mistaken for ghosts. From sweet potatoes and cheese toast, sweet tea and corn muffins and Great Northern beans.

From the grandfather who shot a telephone, the uncle who died in a car accident and the grandmother who knew he wasn't the driver even before the report came out.

I am from home videos overdubbed with Buddy Holly and Ritchie Valens, from a stable filled with belongings of cousins who've never lived here, and a tattered wicker trunk stuffed with dog show ribbons and faces I don't recognize. From a painting of Granddaddy with a cigarette in his hand, from Hummel figurines and scrapbooks full of David Cassidy and Donny Osmond, from boxes of quarters from 1884 and marbles from 1930.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Quote of the day

In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present. When you are content to simply be yourself and don't try to control or compete, everybody will respect you.
-Lao Tzu

Friday, February 13, 2009

Friday Fill-In

1. It seems like few people understand how many ways there are to live life.

2. Can I borrow that book when you're done, please?

3. If I thought you wanted to come along I'd invite you!

4. Fun is what I think of most when I think of you.

5. To me, Valentine's Day means enduring the eyesore of red and magenta together every time I go into a store.

6. Freedom gives me strength.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to grocery shopping, tomorrow my plans include doing whatever sounds fun and Sunday, I want to do the same thing as Saturday!