Monday, September 21, 2009

In which I whine about good things

This seems like kind of a strange thing to complain about, but like, suddenly I seem to have too many friends. And I have good prospects for making even more friends soon. And it's freaking me out a little.

Wait! Come back! I don't mean I don't want all the friends I have, and certainly I don't see having a lot of friends as a problem, per se. It's just something I'm not really sure how to deal with.

See, I used to be a complete social idiot. Like, really bad. As I've gotten older, and with the help of the internet, I've gotten better at socializing. But I've only ever had a pretty small group of friends at a time. I'm used to having maybe 10 friends I actually talk to, and believe me, I built up to having that many friends *very slowly*.

Now that I've been traveling, and gotten more confident, and started posting on more forums, I have more friends. A good deal more. But since I've always had just a few, I don't have much practice balancing more than that. I have trouble knowing where the line is between just an acquaintance and a friend, gauging how much/how little people want to see/talk to me, etc. I also have a bad "out of sight, out of mind" habit where if someone doesn't contact me for awhile I get distracted by a bunny or something and forget to contact them.

Basically I'm like a poor person who just won the lottery and has no idea how to manage money because I've never had any.

I know it's good to be challenged and grow and all, but it's also intimidating, especially when you're still not totally past seeing yourself as an awkward weirdo. I'm not used to thinking of myself as any kind of social butterfly. In my mind, I'm still the icky kid nobody wants on their kickball team. So when someone I've known for a short time enthusiastically invites me to come hang out, my head explodes just a little. When someone suggests I lead a gathering, I automatically think of childhood birthday parties where I invited the whole class and no one showed up. I always assumed I was doomed to be that kid forever. It feels weird that I'm not.

Good, but weird.

No comments: