First, select ten fictional characters (from any medium) by whichever method you like best.
1. Willy Wonka
2. Spock
3. Hermione Granger
4. Captain Planet
5. James (from Team Rocket, on Pokemon)
6. Rose Nylund (from the Golden Girls)
7. Beetlejuice
8. Milhouse
9. Dr. Orpheus (from the Venture Bros.)
10. Kermit the Frog
Divide the list up by even and odd.
Odds: Wonka, Hermione, James, Beetlejuice, Orpheus
Even: Spock, Captain Planet, Rose, Milhouse, Kermit
Which group of five would make a better Five-Man Band (like a Power Rangers team)?
They'd both be horrible. I think the second team has a slight edge, in that Spock balances the stupid people a little, whereas in the first team everyone is just crazy.
Who would you slot in each position: Leader, Lancer (second-in-command), Big Guy, Smart Guy, The Chick?
Clearly whoever made this reads TV Tropes a lot. I approve.
Odds
Leader: Wonka, because he's not going to let anyone else do it.
Lancer: Orpheus, because he's a ham and has to have a main role.
Big Guy: Beetlejuice. He's the only one of these I could see acting remotely tough.
Smart Guy: Hermione. Too easy.
The Chick: James. He's only good for looking pretty in a dress and being amusing.
Evens
Leader: Kermit. He's small and meek, but he's likeable and he's got chutzpah.
Lancer:
Big Guy: Captain Planet. Because all he does is swoop down, fuck your shit up, and then leave.
Smart Guy: Spock. Too easy again.
The Chick: Rose. The only person who could be more useless in a fight than Milhouse.
If you think the teams would be improved by swapping one character between the even and odd groups, which ones would you switch?
Hmm... maybe Kermit and Orpheus. The odd team has too many loudmouths and the even team has too many quiet people. Orpheus would fix that in a jiff.
Gender-swap 2 (Spock), 8 (Milhouse) and 10 (Kermit). Which character would have the most change in their story arc? Which the least? Would any of these characters have to have a complete personality change to be believable as the opposite sex?
Milhouse would be pretty believable as a girl. He'd just turn into Velma. As for Spock, female Vulcans annoy the hell out of me, but I don't think his personality would change at all. Kermit would be the worst, I think - his nervous-guy schtick wouldn't work so well.
Compare the matchups of 1 (Wonka) and 8 (Milhouse), and 5 (James) and 9 (Orpheus). (Ignore canon sexual preferences for the moment.) Which couple would be more compatible?
Oh my lord, James and Orpheus would be a fantastic couple. Seriously, I can imagine nothing greater. They're both so camp.
Wonka and Milhouse I don't even want to think about. Especially because it seems plausible.
7 (Beetlejuice) becomes 1's (Wonka's) boss for a week in some plausible fashion. How's their working relationship?
Hilariously awful. I want this to be a movie. Right now.
2 (Spock) finds himself inserted into 6's (Rose's) continuity. As far as anyone other than 2 or 6 is concerned, they've always been there. What role would 2 be presumed to have had in 6's story, and could they fit in without going wonky?
brb, lolling forever
No seriously, I'm trying to imagine how that would happen. The only way there are men on the Golden Girls is if they're sleeping with one of the main characters, and in this case Dorothy would be the only person Spock could tolerate being around for more than a few minutes, so I guess he's Dorothy's... alien boyfriend? This is rapidly descending into the darkest realms of bad crossover fic. Let's move on.
3 (Hermione) and 5 (James) get three wishes. The catch is that they have to agree on all three wishes before they get the benefits of any of them. What three wishes would they make?
I'm not sure that would ever happen. We're dealing with opposite characters here: one is a know-it-all member of Team Hero who wants to free creatures that don't even actually want to be set free, the other is a moronic thief who steals enslaved animals from children so that they can do his bidding instead. Yeah.
Your team is 3 (Hermione), 4 (Captain Planet), and 9 (Dr. Orpheus). The mission consists of a social challenge, a mental challenge, and a physical challenge. Which team member do you assign to each challenge?
Social - Hermione. She's annoying, but she can be clever at tricking people and talking them into things.
Physical - Captain Planet, because he's the show-offy superhero guy.
Mental - Orpheus. He gets this over Hermione because he can astral project and mindread and such.
1 (Wonka) and 2 (Spock) are brainwashed by a one-time artifact that works even on people immune to mind control to attack and kill 4 (Captain Planet). They keep their normal personalities, skills, and competence levels, except any code against killing has been turned off. Can 4 survive?
Captain Planet has a lot of powers, so he's probably safe as long as he doesn't let Spock near his neck (which shouldn't be a problem since Captain Planet can fly) or, I dunno, take exploding candy from Wonka.
6 (Rose), 7 (Beetlejuice), 9 (Orpheus), and 10 (Kermit) must help an orphanage full of small and depressed children have a merry Christmas. Who does what, knowing that at the very least the kids will be expecting a visit from Santa?
Rose and Kermit would both bend over backwards making sure they had presents, entertainment, decorations, snacks, the whole works. Orpheus would try to help but end up scaring everyone by talking about the undead or something.
And that would be Beetlejuice's cue to come fuck everything up and make all the kids cry. And Rose.
3 (Hermione) and 8 (Milhouse) are challenged to circumnavigate the Earth in eighty days or less, using only forms of transportation invented before 1900. Can they do it, or will they be fatally distracted by side quests or their own personality conflicts?
Since Hermione is a witch they could just take a broom, but Milhouse would be annoying and need a barf bag and would probably fall off. I can't imagine anyone circumnavigating anything with Milhouse around.
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