Reaching out

This is a difficult post for me to write, because I know so many people have worse problems going on than I do. But I'm writing it because I don't know what else to do.

I'm depressed, no matter what I do. I've been hospitalized twice and spent three months in a therapeutic day program. I go to weekly therapy, read good self-help books and take my medication faithfully. I won't hurt myself - I can't do that to the people I love - but I don't wake up with any sense that there's anything good to get out of bed for. I'm fine at work but I come home and I want to cry. I can see that people don't like or respect me and I know that it's because I don't like or respect myself. But I have no idea how to do that. I've been trying so hard.

I'm not writing this just to whine, but I'm a little bit desperate for some kind of help. Maybe someone out there will have the right words or know the right book or the right resource to help me. Maybe nothing can help me, I don't know. But I can't give up until I've tried everything and this is the last thing I know to try. Someone help me if you can. Please.

My Un-College Un-Curriculum

I seem to be coming out of a prolonged, but necessary, sort of emotional and spiritual hibernation period. Now that I have energy again, life is starting to happen. And in some ways that life looks oddly like school... but in other ways it is very definitely not like school.

For much of my life I've struggled to pin down what kind of structure I need. I've always known that rigid, school-like structure makes me feel way too constrained and unhappy. I'm a floaty, flighty, right-brained sort of person who jumps quickly from one idea or topic to the next. (School-type people tend to call this ADD, although I'm sure it's the same quality that got me put in "gifted" class as a kid. Go figure.) So it doesn't work well to say, for example, that I'll work on studying physics from 9:00-10:30, because odds are I'm going to work on physics for 5 minutes and then be reminded of something from the I Ching or the French Revolution or Star Trek, and before I know it I have open two books and six tabs of Wikipedia, none of which are about physics.

And that's how it should be! If I'm studying a topic, and it's not engaging my imagination and sparking connections to everything else in the universe, what's the point of studying it?

So strict schedules, while appealing in their predictability, really don't work for me. On the other hand, being totally open-ended doesn't work so well for me either. What ends up happening when I have no plan at all is that I sort of spin in place, having a vague sense that there's stuff I want to do but having no idea where to start. Then I just end up refreshing Facebook a bunch of times, feeling bored and frustrated that I'm not doing what I want to do.

In the past, I've gone through a vicious cycle of doing nothing, getting restless, designing an elaborate schedule, doing it for two days, rebelling and being all "internet FOREVER", then starting the whole cycle over again. (I blame my years in school for teaching me that this is the only way to have structure.)

I think I've finally discovered a happy medium, though. See, what I really need isn't exactly "structure" in the school sense - someone to tell me what to do and when to do it - but focus. I don't need a route already planned for me, but I do need a map so I can decide if I want to go this way or that instead of drifting aimlessly from place to place.

So the way I'm approaching things this "semester" (because I do tend to think in semesters, and in the U.S. they break at somewhat natural parts of the year) is to establish some goals and gather some resources to help me focus my energy. There's no way to neatly break my focus down into "subjects". I guess in a broad sense you could say all my choices go back to self-care. For example, I want to figure out what I believe spiritually, so I'm studying art and astrophysics since I find both of those very spiritually enlightening.

But before I get too ahead of myself, let me list the resources I'm using:

-Classes-

Fencing (through a local adult ed program)
An art class called "Discovering Your Creativity" (same program)
Yoga (at a local studio, when I can afford it)

-Websites & Online Resources-

School of the Seasons - I find focusing on the changing seasons is a great way to add comforting rituals to my life, and I want to learn all I can about how to celebrate them.

Khan Academy - For the "hard" side of physics and the math I'll need to understand it.

Science, Magic & Religion - Humanities lectures from UCLA's open courseware.

By Sun and Candlelight - A school-at-home mom's blog full of ideas for organization and honoring the seasons.

-Books-

I have all these books on a special shelf, where I also keep my yoga stuff and some of the other resources I'll mention later on. Most of the books have activities or assignments, so they're a bit like "living workbooks". Most are also by "glorious generalists", for those familiar with Grace Llewellyn's use of the term:

Wishcraft, Barbara Sher
The Teenage Liberation Handbook, Grace Llewellyn

Life is a Verb, Patti Digh
Hello Cruel World, Kate Bornstein
The Artist's Way, Julia Cameron
Wreck This Journal, Keri Smith
The Gay and Lesbian Self-Esteem Book, Kimeron Hardin
A Short History of Nearly Everything, Bill Bryson
Rise Up Singing (not yet purchased)
A coloring book of designs from cultures around the world

-Misc./Life Resources-

My job, working with kids

A ukulele (not yet purchased) and a clarinet (needs reeds)
My UU church and a local UU-based co-op
Various notebooks, binders, office & art supplies
A file crate to hold my most important notebooks
Therapy
Daily and weekly self-care worksheets
Herbal tea, incense, hot baths, cats
Guided meditation podcasts
A huge map of the world and a big, colorful, inspiring "Coexist" poster
People
Boston

That sounds like an awful long list of resources for someone who's trying to focus! But there's really a few areas of focus (art, music, physics, spirituality, and the places where they intersect) that tie everything together.

The Light Comes Back

Tonight is the first night of Chanukah, a celebration of God providing light to his people against all logic. Tomorrow, in the northern hemisphere, is the winter Solstice, the longest night of the year. The solstice is celebrated by many as Yule, a holiday of gratitude for the coming return of the sun. Next week will be Kwanzaa, with its candles (much like those of Chanukah) symbolizing the ongoing life and strength of an oppressed people. And of course, millions of homes are glittering with lights in preparation for Christmas on Sunday.

At this time of year, much is made of the differences between people who celebrate different winter holidays. But I think ultimately, all of these traditions echo the same meanings:

We have faith that light will go on.
In the darkness, we must draw near and share the light and warmth that we have.
We will survive.

Whether you're celebrating faith that a God, a Goddess, nature, or humanity itself that will continue to provide light and life for us through the darkest times, the theme remains the same: Life depends on something larger than ourselves. Life depends on light, warmth, and love. No matter your tradition, this is the time of year to focus on providing those, to ourselves and the people around us. When the sun seems to have gone away, we find light and warmth inside ourselves.

This holiday season, whatever you're celebrating, may you find the light and love you need to thrive. Amen and blessed be.

*Unless you're in the southern hemisphere, in which case you should go barbecue and laugh at the thought of us Yanks shoveling snow.

This is a blog.

I haven't written in ages because everything I try to write lately is crap, but I figure if I'm afraid to write crap I won't write anything good either, so here is some crap about nothing. Um, it worked for Seinfeld, right?

I have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And a giant cup of English breakfast tea with two tea bags in it. I have not had any of the tea yet because it is too hot and I am already flitting around the house having detailed conversations with the cats and pondering the biological reason why people have the instinct to wiggle our toes. (I think it has to do with circulation.) Today is going to be an interesting day I think.

Plans for today, besides work, include drinking more tea and going to the library to look for books and do Khan Academy math. I live on the edge.

It is Tuesday, so I also need to inject manliness into my thigh, which isn't as dirty as it sounds, which I guess this is a good place to mention I have been on testosterone for a few (three and a half I think?) months. My voice is dropping but not enough that people just take it for granted that I'm male yet. The interesting thing about testosterone injections (needlephobic people SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH NOW) is that the correct way to do it is to stab yourself as quickly as possible. If you inject it slowly and carefully, it hurts a LOT, but if you jam that motherfucker into your leg as fast as you can you don't feel a thing. I literally spent two months being coached by a nurse to stab myself faster. Fortunately I am not afraid of needles and I'm comfortable with medical-type situations.

I have a lot of plans coming up! This past weekend (I know that's not a plan, but it was the first of several weekends of doing things) I went to see an unschooling family in New Hampshire, and next weekend I'm going to an unschooling gathering in Massachusetts, and the next weekend I have game night with my Young Adults Group at church and then the Transgender Day of Remembrance. Then I have Thanksgiving plans with yet one more unschooling family, then the weekend after that yet another unschooling family is having a gathering. Also, some friends are planning a Doctor Who-themed gathering in the late winter. I don't care much for Doctor Who, but I care a lot about a lot of people who care a lot about Doctor Who, so I am excited for that. Plus having stuff to break up the tedium of late winter is always a good thing.

Okay I think it is time to go stab myself in the leg now. Kthxbai.

The Quick-Start Guide to Gender-Healthy Parenting

As a follow-up to my last post on kids and gender, I thought I'd write a brief guide to what I feel is the best way to approach gender identity - both your child's and other people's - with kids. What I mean by "gender-healthy" is that your kid feels safe and comfortable with hir gender identity and expression, and understands how to extend that same respect to others. I write this as a person who has a lot of experience with both helpful and harmful attitudes toward gender. I am not a parent, and most importantly, I am not your child's parent. But I have been a child and there are many children in my life, and I have tried to write a guide to how I would most like to see those children treated.

Be prepared for your child to be transgender. No, I'm not suggesting that your child is going to become trans because of any parenting decisions you make. But that's exactly it: if your child is trans, they just are. Already. If you wait until you know your kid is trans before you start thinking about how your parenting would affect a trans kid, you've waited too long. And try to realize that this applies no matter how much of a princess your daughter is or how much of a jock your son is. There's a good chance that a child with a vagina who loves Disney Princesses is a girl, but maybe she's the next FTM drag queen in training. I used to ask my mama to do my hair up in pigtail braids so I could pretend to be Dorothy Gale, but I screamed if anyone tried to style my hair any other time. My point is, there's a lot more to gender than what you see on the surface. Assume nothing, and for God's sake don't be the mom who uses imitation of Judy Garland as proof that your child is not going to grow up to be a gay man.

Be prepared for your child to be cisgender. At the same time, don't get so caught up in your vision of yourself as a progressive, trans-friendly parent that you don't actually notice who your child really is. There's a good chance that your little boy is indeed the sort of little boy who is going to reject your ballet classes in favor of burping contests and throwing frogs on girls. I've heard far too many feminist parents sigh with disapproval when their sons picked up toy guns and their daughters picked up Bratz dolls. Please don't be the parent who praises your son for wanting a manicure (he's so secure in himself!) and shames your daughter for doing the same (she's conforming to the patriarchy!). Remember that the goal is to encourage your children to be exactly who they are, not to prevent them from ever doing anything that fits the norm.

Neutral isn't necessarily better. I happened to be the sort of kid who liked gender-neutral activities the best: playing on my swingset, watching shows like Rocko's Modern Life, making up stories, caring for animals, and playing Nintendo. Lots of kids love that stuff. But lots of kids would also feel horribly stifled if they weren't allowed to collect My Little Pony or participate in Nerf gun wars. Just because an activity doesn't come with a gender stereotype attached doesn't necessarily make it a healthier activity for your child. Again, no matter your child's sex or gender, the most important thing is to let them be who they are and do what they enjoy doing.

Gender can be fun. Play can be a wonderful way to let kids explore gender roles and expression. When I was four and asked my mom how I could turn into a boy, she said I couldn't. What I wish she would've done is hand me a baseball cap and say, "Put this on when you want to be a boy, and we'll call you Bobby." Then I would have been able to try being a boy whenever I felt like it without feeling like it was a big deal or a forever decision. As a teen I enjoyed playing male characters in school plays, video games, and cosplay. Encourage your kids to be any gender they want in pretend play. If your son wants to play house and be the mommy, or your daughter wants to be Darth Vader for Halloween, go with it. And let them screw with gender as much as they want. When I put on makeup as a preteen, I wasn't learning how to be a proper lady, I was imitating Marilyn Manson and Boy George! Kids pretend to be helicopters and ponies and that's just fine, so why on Earth would pretending to be a different kind of human hurt them?

Gender is serious business. On the other hand, remember that your child really does have a gender identity and it really is part of who ze is. Don't treat your child's gender as something cute that you can play around with for the sake of demonstrating how hip you are and how little you care about traditional gender roles. This is particularly true if your child is showing signs of "cross-gender" identification - meaning your kid with a penis really believes she is, or really wants to be, a girl, or your kid with a vagina really believes he is, or really wants to be, a boy. There is a point when it stops being about the cuteness of a little boy painting his nails or a little girl who runs around shirtless, and starts being a serious thing your child is going to need lots of support with. It's hard to know where that line is, but the basic rule of thumb is this: if your child is being serious, take hir seriously.


Finally, here are some useful phrases for talking about gender with kids. Their appropriateness varies depending on the child's age and the situation, of course, so use your own discretion. And try to bring them up in the natural course of life, if you can. Most kids have lots of questions about gender, but they will be confused if you sit them down in the middle of a busy Saturday, out of the blue, to tell them this stuff.

"Do you like boy words or girl words?" You don't have to wait until your kid is able to diagram a sentence to talk to them about pronouns. Tell them about the difference between "he" and "she", and let them know there are other choices too, like per, ze, sie, and ey. Let your kids pick whatever pronouns they prefer. Be as faithful as you can about using them, and make it okay for them to change them as much as they want.

"Most girls have [a vagina/breasts/a uterus/ovaries] and most boys have [a penis/testicles/a prostate]. But some boys have [a vagina/breasts/a uterus/ovaries], and some girls have [a penis/testicles/a prostate]. That's okay, too." Use this in place of "boys have a penis and girls have a vagina".

If your kid is upset about being misgendered: "You can't tell a person's gender by looking at them, but people sometimes use a person's clothes and hair to try to guess. Some people guess that anyone with long hair is a girl. I love your long hair, but if you're really upset about being called a girl, I can help you pick out a haircut that will help people guess better. Or you can keep it long and I can help remind people that you're a boy." Never tell a child they're being called the wrong gender because they look like that gender. Place the focus on other people making honest mistakes - your child's gender and appearance are not wrong! Let them know that lots of people get misgendered and have to correct people, and that it's the other person's mistake and not the fault of the person being misgendered. I'm not sure how this happens, but I've personally seen guys with full beards get called "ma'am" and women with DD cups get called "sir".

If a kid misgenders someone else, don't make a big fuss, don't shame them, and don't call unnecessary attention to the person being misgendered. A simple "That's a girl. Her name is Katie" or "I think Sam uses boy words" will do. Of course, you want to make sure you're not misgendering the person yourself! If you don't know how a person identifies, tell your kid that, and offer to help your kid find out what pronouns to say.

If you have a transgender friend: "Well, a lot of men used to be little boys, but my friend [name] used to be a little girl. At least, he looked like a little girl and everyone thought he was. But he always felt like a boy, so when he grew up he became a man." Make sure you have your friend's permission to disclose this information, and ask what specific language they're okay with you using to describe them to your children. If you can get a trans friend to talk directly to your kids about their gender, that's great, but don't expect the trans people in your life to be walking museum exhibits for your kids.

And if you're trans yourself? Use whatever words feel most comfortable for you, so long as they're on a level the child will understand. This weekend I had a kid ask why I have to wear swim shirts when I go to the beach. My answer was something like this: "Remember how you weren't sure if I was a boy or a girl? That's because when I was born, I had girl parts and looked like a girl. I still have a chest like a girl, and you know how girls have to cover up their chests at the beach? I do, too." Keep calm when kids ask you stuff. If you don't want to answer a question, explain that it's very personal and you'd rather not share that about yourself. But don't shame a kid for being curious. The more people there are who find out about us while they're still kids, the more trans-friendly the world is going to be. And you never know - you could be talking to a trans kid whose life might be saved by knowing other trans people exist.

Remind your kids that you can't always tell a person's gender just by what they look like. Remind them that it can hurt people's feelings to be asked if they're a boy or a girl, but that it's usually okay to ask what pronouns someone prefers if you're not sure. Respect your child's body autonomy and right to privacy, and remind them to do the same for others. Most importantly, remember that you are always your child's partner in navigating the world, and that includes the world of gender. Be willing to be the person who asks someone about their preferred pronouns, or to correct people who misgender your child. Allow your kids to wear and do what they want, but be available to help them find an expression that matches their identity. Remember that gender can be a scary and confusing thing even for adults, so kids especially need lots of support figuring this stuff out. But don't dumb it down or try to shelter them, either. Kids often understand this stuff better than grown-ups do, and if you keep your mind open, you just might learn more from them than they do from you.

Your baby's gender is a secret, too

There's been lots of talk about kids and gender lately - the boy who dressed as Daphne from Scooby Doo for Halloween, the JCrew ad featuring a little boy with pink toenails, and most recently, the unschooling family that has chosen to keep their new baby's sex a secret.

As someone who is involved in both the unschooling and transgender communities, I naturally have a lot to say on this topic.

First, a bit of gender 101: Every baby's gender is a secret, to everyone, quite likely including the baby hirself. What these parents are keeping a secret is their baby's sex - the biological state of having XX or XY (or XO or XXY or whatever) chromosomes, of having a penis or vagina, testicles or ovaries, etc. Gender is a person's internal sense of whether they are male, female, both, neither, or something else. No one is fully sure at what age gender identity actually develops, but it is probably safe to say that newborn infants do not yet care whether they are male or female, because they do not yet know what being male or female means in their culture. And regardless of when a baby understands hir own gender, that gender will remain a secret to the people in the baby's life until ze is old enough to express it. If that child is transgender, then hir gender could remain a secret for many, many years as ze struggles to understand hirself. I did not know my own gender until I was 24 years old. Some people don't know until past middle age. But whether your child is cisgender or transgender is simply not something you can know when the child is born. If your baby is not old enough to say "I'm a boy" or "I'm a girl", then you don't know yet. Period. I don't care how many Barbies or toy trucks or pink clothes the kid has. I had dozens of Barbies and I hated sports and I still came out more male than female. Those things can be clues to your child's gender, but they absolutely do not define it.

Now that that's out of the way, here's what I think of this particular story. It is absolutely wonderful that this family has chosen to allow their children the whole world to choose from, without assigning gender-based rules to anything. If a child with a penis prefers pink clothes, that child absolutely should never be denied access to pink clothes because of that penis. That's something these parents are getting right. And it's something so few parents get right that I think this family deserves lots of praise for that choice.

But I am troubled by this quote:

"Because Jazz and Kio wear pink and have long hair, they're frequently assumed to be girls, according to Stocker. He said he and Witterick don't correct people--they leave it to the kids to do it if they want to."

This suggests to me that the parents are confused about the difference between gender expression and gender identity. It appears that at least one of these children is firmly male-identified and is troubled when he is mistaken for a girl. It also appears that his parents are assuming that because he prefers pink clothes and long hair, his need to identify as male is trivial.

I cannot speculate, based on a brief Yahoo news article, on the long-term effects of this particular family's choices on these particular children. But I am troubled by all the praise I'm hearing for "gender-neutral parenting", because it seems to be based on the notion that gender is a social construct - which is a fancy way of saying gender is not really a thing. As someone who has struggled a lot with my own gender, and someone who has many transgender and genderqueer friends, I can assure you that yes, gender is really a thing. True, I think it is irresponsible to force a child to conform to a gender expression that matches hir birth sex. Children born with vaginas should never be forced to wear dresses and play with dolls, children born with penises should not be forced to repress their emotions and purge themselves of all signs of femininity.

But the key word in all of this is forced. You are not being any more progressive if you force your child to live without a gender when she is clearly a girl or he is clearly a boy. And I think it is equally irresponsible to leave a young child to drift alone through the highly contentious world of gender without giving hir sufficient information or support. If you know good and well that your child identifies as a boy, and an adult comes along and calls him a girl, it should not be left up to him to correct them! As someone who frequently has to correct people regarding my gender, I can assure you it's not an easy thing to do, and often doesn't feel like a safe thing to do. One of your jobs as a parent is to protect your children's space in the world until they are old enough to do it themselves, and that includes protecting their sense of who they are. Allowing other people to misgender your child without defending hir puts an extremely unfair burden on the child.

Letting your child pick clothes from every department is good. Never explaining to your child that clothes carry gendered connotations is not good, because you are withholding vital information about the world from your child. If your teen came up to you and wanted to know if he could dread his hair, and you also knew that he wanted to get a job soon, it would be irresponsible to let him make that choice without ever discussing the way his hairstyle may impact his job search. In the same way, it is unfair to let your male-identified child wear a dress without any warning that most people will think he's a girl. Whether or not you leave the final choice up to your child is the difference between traditional parenting and unschooling; whether you offer your child the guidance and information they need to make that choice is the difference between unschooling and neglect.

So what do you do? How do you help your children be exactly who they are in a world with such rigid gender roles? There's no easy answer to that question for adults, let alone kids. I'll be writing a follow-up post giving suggestions for how to talk about gender with your kids in a respectful way, but the main principle to remember is to help children be exactly who they are. That's the basic principle behind unschooling, and if you're living that principle in other areas of life, it shouldn't be too much of a stretch to apply it to gender as well.

Black Hole

I used to think I was a person nobody loved. Now I know that I am something far worse. I am a person who is loved without deserving to be. I am a black hole; people pour energy and kindness into me, hoping to light me up, but I am simply a void. I suck up energy and destroy it. People confuse my immaturity for childlike whimsy and they mistakenly see me as likeable. And then the real me comes out, and I am poison. And gradually everyone becomes tired of me and goes away.

No matter how much people insist that I am worthy and should love myself, I know I am a person who is dark inside. There is no love in there. I don't know if I was born broken or if something in life made me this way, but I simply have nothing to offer the world.

Were I less of a wimp, you would all be rid of me by now. But I am too cowardly to act on the feelings I keep threatening people with. This is only further proof of my failure; if I were a decent person I would not cry wolf without delivering on my promise. Perhaps a little blood would justify my constantly scaring the people who love me, but there has been none. All but a few people have stopped listening now, and it is no wonder. They have seen me for what I truly am; not a wishing well you can throw coins into in hope of making something better, but a bottomless pit that will never return your investment. A coward who only does harm and cannot bring himself to leave and allow the people he cares about to live in peace without him. People keep trying to save me - some people have been putting up with my shit on an almost daily basis, to the point where they can't take it anymore. All I do is break people. I don't want to break anyone else.