Changing Identity, Changing Goals

The last time I wrote about my goals and plans, I was planning on buying an RV to travel around the country. For various reasons – not the least of which being that I love Massachusetts – I have decided to stay put instead.

I was also planning on getting chest surgery. Again, for various reasons, I decided against that. When I looked closely at my motivation for getting the surgery, I realized I was mostly just doing what I thought a female-assigned trans person was “supposed to do” as part of transition. But the further along I’ve gotten in my transition, the less strictly male-identified I feel. My gender is much more non-binary, and I’m trying to allow myself to explore that more. The fear of being misgendered as female used to keep me doing 100% typically “male” things, but now I’m starting to allow myself to play with things like nail polish again. If I was ever going to be a boy, I wanted to be a damn queer-ass boy anyway.

As for my long-term goals, they’ve gotten a bit more abstract. I still want to go to Goddard College, and I know I want to focus my study on disability rights. I think ultimately I’d like to write books on the subject, and maybe on gender as well. I think I’d enjoy being some kind of counselor for teens, assuming I can get my own mental health in order.

One more thing that’s changing for me is that I’ve admitted to myself that I need a spiritual side to my life. I don’t care what anyone else believes, I don’t even care if my own beliefs are right. I just know that I need to pray and to believe that someone/something hears those prayers. It’s essential for my sanity. If that makes me ignorant or stupid in someone’s eyes, that’s their own narrow-minded problem. I need to take care of me.

My housing situation is also in flux right now. Three of the original four people I moved into this house with have moved out, and the fourth is leaving soon. One person has moved in who I get along with really well, but we still have to replace the other two, which is stressful. I’ve had some trouble making everyone involved understand the safety concerns I have as a trans person. I can’t feel safe living with just anyone.

So that’s pretty much where things are for me right now. I’ll end this by saying I have a lot of spare time these days, so please feel free to talk to me! I miss lots of people right now.