Thursday, May 19, 2011

Black Hole

I used to think I was a person nobody loved. Now I know that I am something far worse. I am a person who is loved without deserving to be. I am a black hole; people pour energy and kindness into me, hoping to light me up, but I am simply a void. I suck up energy and destroy it. People confuse my immaturity for childlike whimsy and they mistakenly see me as likeable. And then the real me comes out, and I am poison. And gradually everyone becomes tired of me and goes away.

No matter how much people insist that I am worthy and should love myself, I know I am a person who is dark inside. There is no love in there. I don't know if I was born broken or if something in life made me this way, but I simply have nothing to offer the world.

Were I less of a wimp, you would all be rid of me by now. But I am too cowardly to act on the feelings I keep threatening people with. This is only further proof of my failure; if I were a decent person I would not cry wolf without delivering on my promise. Perhaps a little blood would justify my constantly scaring the people who love me, but there has been none. All but a few people have stopped listening now, and it is no wonder. They have seen me for what I truly am; not a wishing well you can throw coins into in hope of making something better, but a bottomless pit that will never return your investment. A coward who only does harm and cannot bring himself to leave and allow the people he cares about to live in peace without him. People keep trying to save me - some people have been putting up with my shit on an almost daily basis, to the point where they can't take it anymore. All I do is break people. I don't want to break anyone else.


JenniRie said...

I have and will continue to say this: I love you. Life sucks, but you don't. Wish I was closer so I could stop by and see you.

Momma Jorje said...

After having read your About Me page, I found this post shocking. It sounds to me like you have a LOT to offer the world!

Being dark, in and of itself, does not render one incapable of love. Perhaps you just have more learning to do. Best of luck to you there.