About the lump.

So I haven't blogged regularly in a while and I know some people might find this blog and not have any idea what is going on. But I also know that most of you find my blog from my links on Facebook, and that means you're a friend, or at least a friendly acquaintance.

It is probably taboo to point this out, but guys, I know how many people view my posts. And I'm a little disturbed by the number of people who viewed my last post, in which I revealed I need to be tested for breast cancer, without commenting. I received no comments here, no comments on the Facebook post where I linked the blog post, and no private messages.

I know I posted a donation link. I don't care about that. I don't care if you can't donate. But like, talk to me. I'm going through some scary shit right now, and I need to know who is going to be there for me and who isn't. I realize talking to people about their breasts, especially talking to trans people about their breasts, is uncomfortable, but please say something to me. If I hear only silence, it feels pretty lonely.

With that out of the way, let me give you more info on what is going on.

I found this lump about three weeks ago, and was hoping I could wait until my MassHealth got straightened out before I saw anyone about it. 80% of lumps are benign, and lumps often come and go throughout the hormone cycle, so I figured it was something I could wait out. But after a few weeks, it hadn't changed. I could feel changes in the texture of the breast tissue around it - my breasts are lumpier now than they were a few weeks ago - but the lump itself persisted. I was finally pushed to go to the doctor when I had some unrelated but extremely uncomfortable medication side effects. At first they weren't going to let me see the doctor without paying $170 up front, which I didn't have. I started crying in the middle of the waiting room and said "I really need to see a doctor." The receptionist made some calls to the financial department, and they finally let me in. I am unclear on whether I will eventually receive a bill for the $170.

The doctor performed a breast exam and noted that my breasts are lumpy overall, but that this lump definitely felt different. She recommended I schedule an ultrasound right away - which I haven't done yet, because I'm still trying to figure out how to handle that financially. I plan to call MassHealth and tell them I need to be screened for cancer and see if that might speed the approval process or at least get me some temporary assistance. I also plan to contact the Women's Health Network and see if I can be evaluated for free.

The lump is hard, smooth, and oblong. It's a couple centimeters wide, and doesn't move. Based on the way it feels, I think it is either a benign fibroadenoma, which are common in my age group, or cancer. Obviously I'm hoping for the fibroadenoma. I don't have any other outward signs of cancer such as bleeding or skin changes.

What the ultrasound will determine is whether the lump is solid or fluid-filled. To me, it feels solid, which means there's a good chance I will need a biopsy to determine if it is cancer.

I was pretty calm about all this at first, but as time goes on and it doesn't go away or get any smaller, I'm getting pretty scared. I could use lots of emotional support right now.

I'll post updates here when I know more.

I need help.

I'm having some pretty horrible medication side effects and can't think clearly, so I'm just going to copy-paste from my Tumblr to tell you what's going on.

I’ve been really hesitant about asking for money, but I ultimately decided going without money will be more harmful to me than any backlash I may receive, so it can’t hurt to ask.
I am a disabled, queer trans person who is in the process of applying for food stamps and state health care. For the past few months I have been unable to work due to severe depression and anxiety. I also have a lump in my breast that needs to be evaluated and I strongly suspect that I have sleep apnea that needs treatment. I am planning to apply for disability to help me out in the long run, but that is a long process that often involves several appeals. My therapist would also like me to go into a DBT (type of therapy) day program for some period of time, which will also make it difficult to work.
So my current holistic treatment plan is as follows:

• continue with my weekly therapy and monthly psychiatry appointments, which costs gas and parking money + a fee
• continue with my currently prescribed medications, which cost $75 and $50 a month without insurance
• consult my doctor for referrals for a mammogram and sleep study
• attend at least three weeks of a DBT or other therapy day program
• continue on vitamins and omega-3s, which are not covered by insurance or food stamps

In the meantime, I need help affording my living expenses. My partner helps me somewhat, but he works retail and makes barely over minimum wage. Our lease runs out at the end of March and we need to afford rent and deposits for a new place in April, and a Uhaul. I also have to pay a small amount to keep my phone on, and pay other expenses related to having a car, such as insurance.
All of this adds up very quickly. I have set my GoFundMe goal at $800 for now, because I think that will at least get me over the hump until I have health insurance and food stamps in place. But what I’m really concerned about is helping my partner to pay rent. He cannot afford rent for himself, me, and his other partner all by himself (his other partner is also unable to work). These people are the only family I have, as all of the people who raised me have died and I have no siblings. I don’t want to burden my partner, and so I’m reaching out to people who might have some extra money they can throw my way. Any contributions would be greatly appreciated.

Update as of today, Feb 22: I went to the doctor without insurance because I was experiencing really unpleasant neurological side effects from one of my medications. I also got the breast lump examined. The doctor ordered an ultrasound, blood tests, said to follow up in a week and see my psychiatrist next week also. I don't suppose I'll have insurance by next week, but I don't want to let this wait if it could be cancer. I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown right now. My body has so many things wrong with it and I just want to be okay.

Please help if you can, and please pass this along.

http://www.gofundme.com/22de3w

7 Ableist Arguments I'm Tired of Hearing (from "Progressive" People)

Ableism is the view that people who don't have a disability or illness are somehow better than people who do, or the refusal to acknowledge that disabilities even exist. You would think I'd encounter less of this in progressive communities, but I actually find ableism running rampant among people who think they're being compassionate and inclusive. I know most of these people mean well, so I want to shed light on some particularly problematic arguments I've seen. Please consider the impact on people with disabilities and chronic illness before you make any of the following claims.

 

1. Everyone can breastfeed

No, they can't. There are a lot of things wrong with this argument, because it implies that every baby is raised by the person who gave birth to it, which isn't the case. But even birth mothers can't always breastfeed. My mother couldn't, because she was on powerful medication that wouldn't have been safe for me to ingest, plus she had a skin condition she was worried about passing on. There are lots of reasons a person might be physically unable to breastfeed. I do think breastfeeding is the best option when it's possible, but it isn't always an option. Not being able to breastfeed doesn't make someone a bad parent, and they shouldn't be shamed for it.

2. You can decide to be happy

Boy, if this were true, my life would be a lot different. I've poured tons of time, energy and money into anything that might ease my depression symptoms, from antidepressants and therapy to self-help books and vitamins. If happiness were the result of personal effort, I'd be the happiest person in the world. Unfortunately, for people with mental illness, it just doesn't seem to work that way. I understand the basic sentiment behind this statement - that you have control over your priorities, you can choose gratitude over self-pity, and so on. But there are people who, by reason of brain chemistry, trauma history or insurmountable life circumstances, simply cannot wish our pain away. Telling us "you can choose to be happy" sounds a lot like blaming the suffering person for not making that choice.

3. Abortion is okay no matter the reason

I know I'm going to take a lot of shit for this one, but it's important to me, so here goes. I don't think every reason for having an abortion is equally valid. I am a feminist, and I believe safe, legal abortion should be available to people who don't feel equipped to become parents. But there are eugenic reasons for having an abortion, and I think eugenics are disgusting. The fact that up to 98% of fetuses with Down syndrome are terminated makes me want to cry. I understand choosing to abort a child with an illness that will lead to a very short, painful life, but Down syndrome is not such a condition. People with DS are able to live fulfilling lives, often holding jobs, getting married, even attending college. To suggest that a person's life is not worth living because they have a disability is unacceptable. And not every disability makes itself apparent before birth, so if you're not prepared to have a child with a disability, you aren't prepared to have a child, period. I still believe abortion should be the pregnant person's choice, but I also think people have a responsibility to consider ALL the possibilities before deciding to start a family. Once you've committed to have a child, you don't get to choose what kind of child you have.

4. Vaccines cause autism

No they don't. It's been proven that they don't. But even before it was proven, I had a problem with this argument, because it rests on the idea that it's better for a child to be potentially dead than potentially disabled. Polio, measles, rubella, diphtheria, tetanus, and whooping cough are deadly. Autism is not. To suggest that it's better to risk subjecting a child to a deadly illness than risk them being autistic is deeply insulting to autistic people, not to mention trivializing the suffering of people who've survived those illnesses. Now, while I myself am vehemently pro-vax, I do know some thoughtful, intelligent people who are anti-vax, so I know that there are other reasons a parent may choose not to vaccinate. But if any part of your reason for making that choice involves fear of autism, you need to seriously re-evaluate your thoughts on the matter.

5. ADD/ADHD isn't real

I agree that ADD is probably way overdiagnosed. I also agree that the environment of modern public schools sets children up to be diagnosed with ADD, and subsequently medicated, simply for behaving like children. But the argument I frequently encounter is that ADD was invented by schools and that there is no such thing. As a person who has ADD and was NOT diagnosed in school, I can confirm that this isn't the case. For a person who truly has ADD, it's not simply a matter of not being able to focus when something is boring. I can't focus on things I want to focus on. I don't watch movies because 90 minutes is just too long - I have to stop halfway through even if the movie is really good, because my attention span is spent. I can't read a book for more than about half an hour at a time, and my mind often wanders when listening to a friend speak, even if what they're saying is interesting to me. On top of that, I have a lot of trouble with executive function and organizational tasks. The way my life is currently structured I seem to function well enough, but if I were to take on a mentally strenuous goal - say, graduate school - I would probably need a lot of extra support, and possibly medication, to function on the same level as my peers. 

6. You don't need allopathic medicine

I don't talk about this a lot, but my mother had schizophrenia. She had to take powerful antipsychotics in order to have any semblance of a normal life. I had relatives who would suggest that she didn't need to be medicated, and that in fact it was the medication itself that had caused her mental illness! But I've seen her off her meds, and she was simply not the same person. Haloperidol allowed her to connect with people and freed her from terrifying hallucinations and delusions. It allowed her to be my mother. 

I've known people who needed allopathic medication to keep their hearts going, to manage their diabetes, even to digest food. There are people who can only stay alive because of CPAP machines, colostomies, or shunts. I'll try an herbal remedy if I have a cold or a headache, sure. But when I couldn't keep liquids down and was running a 104F fever that turned out to be caused by a kidney infection complicated by sepsis, you better believe I went to an ER for some antibiotics and a saline drip. I've seen people actively discourage friends from going to the hospital to get checked out when they had symptoms that could point to something life-threatening. That's dangerous and irresponsible.

7. You wouldn't be ill if you went on x diet

If a person asks for suggestions on how to manage their illness, it's perfectly fine to mention that you've heard a specific diet might help. But I've seen people claim that if a person refuses to go on a raw-vegan or gluten-free diet, they are to blame for being sick and deserve no sympathy. As heartless and rude as this is, it's also factually questionable. If anyone had found a 100% effective, works-for-everyone cure for diabetes or cancer, they'd have a Nobel Prize. I know not every treatment option has been empirically studied and that "big pharma" exerts some influence over this, and I'm willing to accept that there are "alternative" treatments out there that could bring people some needed relief. But when people start blaming the victim for being sick in the first place, I stop listening. 

Seven Years Ago

A few minutes ago, I was reading a book that challenged me to think about who I was exactly seven years ago. “Are you exactly the same person you were then?”

In January of 2006, I was 20, and in a relationship with someone a bit younger than myself. That relationship was emotionally abusive, and would end a few months later. I can't clearly remember the last few months of that relationship, but January might have been the time my boyfriend was growing pot plants, against my strong protests, in the rundown trailer by my mom's house. I think it was around the time we started hanging around my friend Sarah again. It was a couple months before we saw Queen + Paul Rodgers live in Jacksonville, and a couple months before I first met my friend Val. I didn't yet have either of my two current cats, but I had several others, and a dog, and my boyfriend had a dachshund he mostly ignored and a cat named Kasey. I was still chatting regularly with my friend Spiffy and had just recently gotten back in contact with my friend Terry; the two of them weren't dating then, but would be later that year and still are.

I had never heard of unschooling then. I was in community college, working on my AA with an eye toward a BA in special education. I have no clear memory of what classes I took that semester, although a quick glance at my transcript tells me it was a boring term, with history and English and earth science. The only thing that stands out in my memory is that my history teacher was Nigerian, and told American history from a strongly black angle, which I found refreshing.

Mentioning the earth science class brings back a memory of visiting my boyfriend's soon-to-be workplace, trying to study my textbook in a small room with construction going on all around. He was doing electrical apprentice work, and had to be there very early in the morning. He claimed to be unable to rouse himself from sleep unassisted, so I would have to wake up at 4am to see him off to work. I watched a lot of Neon Genesis Evangelion on those mornings, and I think this was around the same time my boyfriend got obsessed with Rammstein, so I was in a weird headspace in those days.

I can't remember if this was before my cat Betty Boop ran away. I think it was. That was one of my favorite pets I've ever had, and it was my boyfriend's fault she got outside. I'm still pissed off about it, but it was because that cat ran away that I got my cat Jake, who I like even better.

I was still living as female, and using my birth name. I had long hair because my boyfriend preferred that, and I wore flare jeans and low-cut shirts. I wasn't a feminist yet, and was proud of being “different” from “other girls”. I hadn't yet considered that feeling so different might be because I wasn't so much of a girl.

Notable events from later in 2006 include breaking up with that boyfriend (who I still have nightmares about, all these years later, and wake up in a panic because there's a man in my bed, and have to remind myself that it's my current partner), coming out as bisexual and then as a lesbian, getting my first job in the biology lab at college, going to my first gay pride, taking ASL II and III, smoking pot for the first time (I never touched the stuff while my boyfriend was growing it), meeting Terry in person for the first time, turning 21, becoming a Unitarian, getting Jake as a kitten and getting a brand new computer around the same time. I got obsessed with the book And the Band Played On and the band Scissor Sisters. My dad showed up in my life, briefly, around Christmas, after not contacting me for something like a year. Overall the second half of the year was a lot better than the first half.

I don't have any clear memories of my mom that I can pin directly to that year, but she was there. I don't think anybody in my life died in 2006.

Who were you seven years ago?

Unschooling and Conscience

One argument for unschooling is that people - or at least, children - are inherently good. I won't tell people not to believe this, but what about people who can't? Is it possible to be realistic about all the hatred, violence, and injustice in the world and still unschool? I believe it is.

Just tonight, I've grown up a little bit, because I realized I'm in mourning for my naive childhood belief in inherent human goodness. First came denial, in which I grabbed tightly onto the belief that goodness comes naturally to people, and held on for dear life. Then came bargaining - believing I had the power to force people to be good, as if this would somehow prove they had been good all along. A long period of depression and anger followed, which simply resulted in trying to shut out the noise of other people's hate. And finally, now, I seem to be reaching acceptance: people simply are not as naturally good and kind as I once believed them to be.

Before I go on, I want to clarify what I mean when I say that I have lost this belief. I'm not saying that I believe people are inherently bad, or that they lack inherent worth. I believe all life is worthwhile and exists for a reason. I'm not even saying that I believe people don't mean well. I think most people do.

But I do not believe people are born naturally inclined to do the right thing, or even to know what the right thing is. To do that, a person needs to develop a strong conscience and continue working on it throughout life. Conscience is like a muscle that needs to be exercised, and the way to exercise it is by making decisions. Deciding what to wear, what to eat, what to say and how to say it are all actions that exercise conscience. It follows, then, that a weak conscience comes from not making decisions. How can a person who is told what to do and where to go at every moment ever exercise conscience? How can a person who has external rewards and punishments dangled in front of them ever learn what their own inner voice says to do?

I believe in unschooling for two big reasons that have nothing to do with its ability to result in academic knowledge. First, my own conscience tells me it is immoral to take ownership and control of another human being in the way that schools and most parents try to do with children. Second, I believe that people learn to be accountable for their decisions by learning early on that their decisions affect other people and things in the world. But they can only learn that by being allowed to make decisions. I don't believe people are inherently kind all the time, but I do believe unschooling produces people who are more kind and think more about their decisions, because they've had more practice. I want people to have that practice a lot more than I want them to have practice at spelling and math.

On Gift-Giving, Technology, and “First World Problems”

With the winter holidays approaching rapidly, many people feel compelled to re-evaluate their values with regard to materialism and capitalism. Now, I’m firmly on the side of those who feel that the main point of the holidays should be about love, sharing and generosity, not about rampant consumerism.

That being said, I want to remind people that consumerism vs. anti-consumerism isn’t the only value at play in holiday gift-giving. Many people don’t get nice things all year, and the holidays – particularly the rewards reaped from shopping Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales – are their only chance to own the same things as their peers. Some people also cannot afford to shop anywhere other than Walmart and other discount chains, and for some people that may even be the only store they can get to. So while I think buying local and handmade is a worthy goal, I also hope that people will be compassionate toward those for whom those are not viable options for holiday shopping.

Another important value at play is honoring who people truly are and respecting their needs. I hear far too many lectures this time of year about how people, especially children, should be happy with whatever they get. But if someone has given them a gift that clearly says “I don’t really know or care who you are or what you want”, it makes sense to be disappointed and hurt. Try to put yourself in the shoes of a child or a teenager too young to have a job. In most cases, they have no real income of their own, except maybe a modest allowance. Most parents only give big gifts to kids around birthdays and holidays, and if that deeply desired XBOX or iPad doesn’t come at Christmas, to most kids, this means it isn’t coming at all. That’s a big disappointment. Even if the parents truly couldn’t afford the coveted item, it’s still only fair to be gentle and compassionate toward the kids and respect their feelings on the matter. For some kids, it might be a good idea to let them know ahead of time that the desired gift isn’t coming, to avoid an unhappy surprise in the middle of the holiday celebrations.

And because I know it’s going to come up, I want to speak a little to anti-technology sentiment and the related idea of “first world problems”. I hear this phrase thrown around a lot with regard to people not being able to afford iGadgets and other popular forms of technology. First of all, the term “first world problems” is rooted in the idea that so-called “third world” countries don’t have technology and that their citizens spend all their time in agony and strife. This notion, in addition to being rooted in classism, racism and Eurocentrism, is also just plain false. People in Africa do know it’s Christmastime, and some of them are wishing for – and receiving -  iPads right along with their American peers.

The other problem I have with this phrase is the idea that if your basic needs are met, you should be ashamed to want anything else. To dispel this notion, let’s take a look at one of my favorite psychological model’s, Maslow’s hierarchy of needs:

When most people use the word “need”, they’re referring to the bottom two tiers of the pyramid – the ones dealing with immediate physical and safety needs. But according to Maslow, humans actually have many other needs: for emotional bonding, achievement, respect, creativity, learning, and equality. So before you shame a person for wanting more than they “need”, consider whether their desire is a way of meeting a higher-level need. The fact that humans are not generally satisfied by just having their most basic needs met is a good thing! It reflects the natural human tendency to want to ascend beyond meeting those needs and really make life meaningful. All human progress toward being healthier, happier and more compassionate has been based in the quest to meet the top three levels on Maslow’s hierarchy.

Finally, let’s talk about technology as a valid interest. Technology gets a lot of unfair hate these days, because the desire for various gadgets is viewed as a symptom of consumerist greed. But some people just genuinely love technology. I’m personally a big fan of it, because I think it improves lives, and makes many kinds of information and skills more widely accessible to people who might not be able to access it otherwise. Take the internet as an example: having access to even the simplest information, such as newspapers and religious texts, used to be possible only for the richest of people. Now, almost anyone can get online and read information from all over the world. Technology is also particularly beneficial to people with disabilities, and has allowed people to speak, read, and write when they wouldn’t have been able to otherwise. I have personally always been drawn to things like video games and computers, and was always the person who was asked to hook up the TV or program the VCR. It’s taken a long time for me to get over the cultural pressure to feel ashamed of my love of technology. But now I realize it’s a legitimate interest. Some people are into books, some into nature, some into computers. Loving technology is not about consumerism or a compulsive addiction to screens, it’s just another interest. So if someone’s wish list this year is full of expensive hard drives, gaming consoles and i-Things, please realize they might not be just greedy. They might just be being honest with you about what it is they love.

Against a Classical Education

While browsing the homeschooling section of my local library, I stumbled across The Well-Trained Mind. Having heard traditional homeschoolers refer to this book many times, I was curious about its contents, so I checked it out. 

The book's first chapter argues that modern education has become too focused on self-expression, without giving children any tools with which to express themselves. It puts forth the idea that childhood should be a time of building skills and knowledge so that a child can better express herself later in life. While I don't think there's any such thing as "too much" self-expression, they do raise a good point. Self-expression is easier once you've learned the skills to do it. I find there is a certain appeal to the book's focus on teaching skills like logic and rhetoric, skills that I find the population at large to be sorely lacking. And I can understand their position that exposure to lots of good art and literature helps "fill the well" of creative inspiration.

So while I find the idea of a classical education intriguing, I still have many objections to it. Primary among them is its treatment of children as empty vessels to be filled, as non-persons whose time and energy can and should be controlled by those who "know better". I find the very idea of "training" children to be dehumanizing. But there is another problem with classical education that I'd like to focus on here, and that is the pedagogy itself. 

Classical education is based on the idea that there is a highly specific set of knowledge that all people should have. On the surface, this isn't a terrible idea; it's not hard to argue that reading, writing, math, logic, history, and science are important things to know. So my problem isn't with the idea that everyone should have this set of knowledge. My problem is with the idea that everyone should have this set of knowledge to the exclusion of everything else.

There are worlds and worlds of knowledge out there, and I personally think all of it is equally valuable. A classical education seems to be focused on the idea that Greco-Roman and Western European history are essential for everyone, but African, Middle Eastern, Asian, Eastern European, and Native American history are not. I find this notion to be rooted in Eurocentricism, colonialism, and its accompanying racism. On the subject of religion, The Well-Trained Mind makes brief mention of "explaining" religions like Buddhism and Islam, but ultimately treats Christianity as truth. As a person of faith myself, I understand their position that faith should be part of education. But even if your family happens to be Christian, my own belief is that children should be offered a buffet of possible ideas about God and allowed to work with those which make the most sense to them. It is possible to teach "our family believes this about God" without teaching that everyone else's beliefs don't matter.

A classical education does seem to include lots of exposure to art, music, and literature - but again, this is the art, song and story mainly of dead white men. Why is it more important to study Mozart than to study aboriginal tribal music or watch a Bollywood dance scene? Why is the Bible to be studied at length but the Koran only glossed over and the Tao Te Ching left out entirely? Classical education seems, again, to be rooted in the idea that the elements of Western civilization are the only ones worth studying, and by extension, that (mostly white) Westerners are the only ones whose ideas are worth caring about. This is fundamentally racist in nature.

And that's my ultimate objection to The Well-Trained Mind and its accompanying philosophy: it teaches that some people's lives and perspectives matter more than others. It offers children the same restricted, whitewashed world that was offered to me in school - and even more regrettably, to my non-white peers, who continued to see their own histories and people devalued and ignored, sometimes even having their destruction glorified in the name of justifying white imperialism. This kind of treatment of the world of knowledge is not okay. Children should be taught to see the world whole, to see all people as equally beautiful. They need to learn to live in a world that contains all kinds of people, and to treat all those people with respect. When I am interacting with an adult, whether as a friend, a coworker, a consumer or a voter, this is the knowledge I am most interested in seeing them have. If they can do that, I really don't care if they need to use spellcheck to send a good email or a calculator to do simple math. Seeing everyone as equally human matters more.